Voilà, pour Anglais, je dois faire une magazine ( sur le fantasy), et ici je suis occupée a faire la page des sports...  
Voici le profil d'un sportif célèbre (Harry Potter )
Harry James Potter was born in 1980 in England. At the age of 15 months, Voldemort has wanted to kill him but he has survived.  
He’s one of the most famous Quidditch players. At eleven years old, he became a seeker in his house team, Gryffindor.  
He was the youngest person who plays in a Quidditch team since 100 years and, while his first match; he won because he caught the Golden Snitch.  
Now, as broomstick, he has the firebolt, the fastest broomstick of the world. But he had the Nimbus 2000 and 2001 too. Now, he wants to win a lot of cups too. He wants to become the most famous seeker of the world.    
Le résultat d'un match de Quidditch :
Last night, the Gryffindor team impressed us one more time. Indeed, it rained very hard and Gryffindor beat Slytherin!                                                
At first, there was an enormous fear when Katie Bell, the Gryffindor‘s outside chaser, was injured by a bludger… And when a few minutes later, Slytherin scored 30 points.                                                                  
Then, Fred and George Weasley scored 20 points but Slytherin scored 20 points too…And a bludger hit the face of Draco Malfoy!                            
At the end, Harry Potter make a Wronski’s dummy to caught the golden snitch. Gryffindor won 150 points and so, the match against Slytherin.
Des petites nouvelles sportives :
-The Queen of Hearts’ team beat the Mad Hatter’s team by 10 wickets while the wonderland international’s day.
-The match between the “mountain’s dwarfs” and the “Caves of dragons” ended in a 4-1 draw in the Goblin’s plain. -Meriadoc Brandybuck is now banned from taking part in the next “Basketball’s world cup for Hobbit” because he’s too tall… Indeed, he drank too much Ent’s drinks.
Voilà, est-ce que vous pouvez me dire si j'ai des fautes (J'en ai certainement) car ce travail est très important? Il compte pour 1/3 de l'écrit de juin !
Merci merci beaucoup  

Hum, SVP aidez moi, franchement ... Bouhouhou (Si c'est trop long, regardez au moins une partie, ça serait bien ...)

le 'has wanted" et le "has survived" ne me paraissent pas indiqués puisqu'il s'agit d'actions terminées ; j'aurais mis un prétérit.D'autre part on a l'impression que c'est Voldemort qui avait 15 mois.
 
"during" plutôt que "while"
 
"He was... who had played " plutôt non ?

Merci beaucoup pour ton aide

Harry James Potter was born in 1980 in England. When Harry was 15 months old, Voldemort wanted to kill him but Harry survived.  
He’s one of the most famous Quidditch players. At eleven years old, he became a seeker in his house team, Gryffindor.  
He was the youngest person who had played (bilan - donc Perfect -  dans le passé) in a Quidditch team for 100 years and, during his first match; he won because he caught the Golden Snitch.  
Now, he is the owner of a Firebolt, the fastest broomstick in the world. But he had the Nimbus 2000 and 2001 too. Now, he wants to win a lot of cups too. He wants to become the most famous seeker in the world.      
Le résultat d'un match de Quidditch :  
Last night, the Gryffindor team impressed us one more time. Indeed, it rained very hard and Gryffindor beat Slytherin!                                                
At first, there was an enormous fear when Katie Bell, Gryffindor‘s outside chaser, was injured by a bludger… And when a few minutes later, Slytherin scored 30 points.                                                                  
Then, Fred and George Weasley scored 20 points but Slytherin scored 20 points too…And a bludger hit the face of Draco Malfoy!                              
At the end, Harry Potter made a Wronski’s dummy (?!?) to catch the golden snitch. Gryffindor won 150 points and so, the match against Slytherin.  
Des petites nouvelles sportives :  
-The Queen of Hearts’ team beat the Mad Hatter’s team by 10 wickets during Wonderland international’s day.  
-The match between the “mountain dwarves” and the “Dragon's dens” (le cas possessif ne s'applique qu'à un être ou quelque chose qui dépend de lui - temps, religion...) ended in a 4-1 draw in the Goblin’s plain (?!?). -Meriadoc Brandybuck is now banned from taking part in the next “basketball world cup for Hobbits” because he’s too tall… Indeed, he drank too much Ent drinks