Bonjour, je m’entraine pour un oral et je dois donc présenter un texte et le commenter. J’aimerais savoir si vous pouvez me corriger et me dire ce que vous en pensez.
Je vous remercie d’avance.
 
Voici le texte :
 
Teacher gives though enough lesson on Santa
 
A school in England has been forced to apologize after a teacher told her nine and ten-year-old students that Santa wasn’t real.
The apology came after the teacher, at Ladysmith junior school in Exeter, in England’s southwest, stunned her young pupils by teaching lesson, that revealed Santa was a myth.
Letters the children had sent over the years never really got to Santa’s home in Lapland and were instead dealt with by Britain’s Royal Mail service, she told them.
But there was worse to come.
The teacher then asked her students to pretend they were mail workers, and to make up replies to children explaining why their requests for certain presents had been rejected, The Guardian teacher had taken away one of the best things about being a kid.
“My wife and I make a special effort to keep the belief in Santa in our daughter’s mind as we believe it adds to magic of Christmas for her and her four-year-old brother,” one parent told the newspaper.
“What gives the school the right to decide when children should know the truth does take away that little bit of magic? […]
But another mother, Sally Jones, 32, who has three children of that age, said she was not upset by the blunder.
“I don’t think it will come as a shock to many children of that age. I think some parents fob off their children while others tell them truth. I don’t think any harm has been done,” she said.
The Hamilton Trust, which produced the worksheet used during the lesson at the school, claimed that age of 10 children tended to know that Santa did not exist, The Guardian reported.
But head teacher Jackie Jackson said: “The choice of this worksheet was a genuine mistake by a teacher which we are sad about.
“As a school we delight in the magic of childhood and believe that Christmas is a special time. This worksheet will never be used in the school again.”
 
From The Australian Swear
December 22, 2006
 
 
Voici ma présentation :
This text is an article entitled “Teacher gives though enough lesson on Santa”. It was an extract from The Australian Swear and it was published the 22 december 2006.
This article deals with a teacher who revealed to his young people that Santa Claus is a myth.
At Ladysmith junior school in England’s southwest, the student learn the truth of the Santa Claus over one worksheet. In fact, they have to be play the role of Claus: they have to be mail workers but explain children why some present had been rejected.
Some parents were upset because they think the teacher had broken the magic of Christmas in the mind of Children.
All the same others parents like Sally Jones was’nt shoked because she denounces some parents, I quote, fob offer their children
Consequently the teacher must apologize. To oneself defend, the Hamilton Truth who produced the worksheet claim the children who 10 years old know the truth about Santa. But the head teacher decided to will never used this worksheet in order to keep the magic.
I think that School mustn’t reveal that Christmas is a myth because it isn’t his role. Besides Christmas is a religious day.  
 
Voila j’essaie d’améliorer mon anglais j’ai encore beaucoup de difficultés. Là j’ai l’impression d’avoir paraphrasé le texte or ce n’est pas ce qui est demandé et j’avoue que j n’arrive pas à faire des suggestions personnelles sur ce sujet.
Pouvez vous m’aidez s’il vous plaît ?

il me semble qu'il y'a pas mal d'erreur de temps...

+1 Avec Edwin, concordance des temps...
 
Peut-être tout faire au présent ?

J'ai essayé de modifier certains temps, je ne pense pas que je dois tout mettre au présent.
 
This text is an article entitled “Teacher gives though enough lesson on Santa”. It is an extract from The Australian Swear and it was published the 22 december 2006.  
This article deals with a teacher who revealed to his young people that Santa Claus is a myth.  
At Ladysmith junior school in England’s southwest, the student learned the truth of the Santa Claus over one worksheet. In fact, they had to be play the role of Claus: they had to be mail workers but explained children why some present had been rejected.  
Some parents are upset because they think the teacher had broken the magic of Christmas in the mind of Children.  
All the same others parents like Sally Jones aren't shoked because they denounces some parents, I quote, fob offer their children  
Consequently the teacher had to apologize. To oneself defend, the Hamilton Truth who produces the worksheet claim the children who 10 years old know the truth about Santa. But the head teacher decided to will never used this worksheet in order to keep the magic.  
I think that School mustn’t reveal that Christmas is a myth because it isn’t his role. Besides Christmas is a religious day.
 

Merci pour cette correction.
Comment pourrais-je développer davantage ?

Insister sur le fait que, si en Angleterre, la religion fait partie intégrante du système scolaire, en France, le principe de neutralité s'applique.
Même si le sapin de Noël est installé dans les classes primaires ou dans la salle du restaurant scolaire, il n'est jamais fait référence à Santa Claus (Saint Nicolas) mais au "père Noël" (father Christmas) personnage emblématique habitant au "pôle nord ou en Laponie".  
Insistes beaucoup sur "teachers have to be neutral and never reveal their own political or religious beliefs".  
Bn courage

OK. Donc ça ferait quelque chose du genre :
 
In England the religion is an integral part of schooling system althoug in France neutrality principle applies.
Moreover, even if the Christmas free puts in prepatory school or schooling restaurant, it never refers to Santa Claus but to father Chrismas who is a emblem.
In France, teachers have to be neutral and never reveal their own political or religious beliefs

 
 
In England religion is an integral part of the school system while in France religious neutrality principles apply.
Moreover, even if the Christmas tree is erected in primary schools or high school restaurants or halls, it never refers to Santa Claus but to father Chrismas who is an emblematic character.
In France, teachers have to be neutral and never reveal their own political or religious beliefs